Presents

I went outside yesterday to indulge in a foul, foul habit, when I noticed this present had been left for me in my ashtray:

I was quite surprised, as waffles aren’t usually what I find in there…  Josh and I talked about it a bit and we concluded that one of two things had happened.  Zippy, my little grey squirrel who lives in the pine tree outside our place, had likely either dropped it accidentally in to the ashtray as he scampered along the eaves trough(Josh’s idea),  or, as he seems to like me, he left it for me as a gift(my idea).  I didn’t want to insult him, you know, just in case he HAD left it for me specifically, so I tucked it away out of sight.  This morning, though, I was sitting in front of the living room window, and who do I see at the base of the tree, but little Zippy, eating something.  He saw me looking at him, and dropped what he was eating, paused, then ran away.  Josh checked it out on his way out to work…. it was the 4th piece of the waffle!  (if you didn’t notice, my piece is three quarters of a belgian waffle… all stuck together for some reason)  Just now, Zippy was in the big tree above me, so I found the waffle from the ashtray and threw it over the fence for him.  He came down to get it, and with a little chitter had disappeared in to his teensy little nest.  Ahh Zippy, how I enjoy your escapades!

Crazy is Catching

I was inadvertently exposed to the crazy that is my former workplace yesterday. I was shocked at first, followed by confusion, ending with entertainment. I have always thought that leaving was one of the best things I could have done, even if it was forced on me. That was only reaffirmed by my former coworker in an email yesterday. See, here is what happened:
Before I left my job, I had lent my cats clippers to said coworker. Subsequent to leaving, we moved, and I assumed that the clippers were lost in the process. A couple of weeks ago, my brain dropped the ball a little in it’s efforts to shield me from my memories, and I remembered something! That the clippers were not in fact lost, but lent!!! Imagine my glee, as clippers are expensive! Now, doing what is normal, I messaged the girl to whom I lent my clippers, and requested the return of my property. It was a polite request, including an explanation of why I needed them but, in hindsight a significant omission, not an explanation of why it took so long to ask for them back. The response was a sharp retort about how they’d been lost and it was unreasonable for me to ask for their replacement after so long a time, and should I be seeking drama, she really doesn’t have the time. I was agog, literally sitting there, staring at my monitor with my mouth hanging open. What??!?! Drama?!?! Since when is it dramatic to ask for your property back? Even if it is after an extended period. I did pay for them after all, and I didn’t give them to her, they were lent. This is a girl who I thought was pretty normal when she started, and who seems to have now gone completely insane with paranoia. It was a hard place to work, and it’s interesting to see it from the outside like this. There is so much backbiting and instigating going on there all the time, that all of a sudden, EVERY little thing is analyzed, turned over, twisted and marred. Any thing said that could be taken wrong would be. All actions that can be taken as hostile, will be. It’s an absolutely ridiculous place, high school really. Every day, I thank the lord I am out of that situation, and the overall childcare situation, as all schools seem to be like this one, in varying degrees. Phew! Tell your daughters, don’t get an ECE diploma, the children are rewarding, but not enough to counterbalance the crazy; and eventually, you’ll catch it.

My Sisters Keeper

I just watched My Sisters Keeper, and it made me feel really bad about the relationship I have with my own sisters. Somewhere along the way, we fell out with each other, and every time we meet there is a new reason to be angry with each other. I don’t want them to be angry with me. I would really like to have a proper sisterly relationship with them, but it just doesn’t seem to come together. I feel like I’ve tried everything to bridge the gap, and I’m at a loss now. I realize that I will never have that relationship with them, that we are simply far too different to get along. It’s a sadness I shall have with me forever, this loss of my sisters, but what I have come to realize is this; the simple fact that I have been trying so hard all this time is proof enough of my love for my sisters. I must, at some point, stop blaming myself for this rift, as it simply isn’t the case. There is no one to blame, save a difference in personality. It is my hope that once I learn to accept that, that there is nothing to be done, and no one to blame, that I will for once be alright with the situation. It seems to bother me far too much these days. Then again, just about everything bothers me these days. Ahh well, what can I do?

Fact Fiction ~ Mads Langer

Imagine a world without me
Say you’re falling apart
Let’s pretend you’ve missed me for a while
Wouldn’t you say you were lonely
And love was breaking your heart?
Put on your Sunday best and fake a smile

I dream of dreaming dreams of her
In twilight she’s a constant blur
The picture is clear
And I’m still fact, she’s fiction

Remember the night you were with me
Fell asleep by my side
Strangers together, your hand in mind
How come we never came closer
When all the stars were aligned?
I thought we had a moment

I dream of dreaming dreams of her
In twilight she’s a constant blur
The picture is clear
And I’m still fact she’s fiction
I seem to miss the missing part
She’s still my favorite work of art
The picture is clear
And I’m still fact, she’s fiction

No, nothing has changed ’cause I’m still fact, she’s fiction
Or I may be imperfectly formed in this contradiction

I dream of dreaming dreams of her
In twilight she’s a constant blur
The picture is clear
‘Cause I’m still fact she’s fiction

I fell in love with her longing
Let’s just say that she never found out
Who it was she never found in me

Blue

I never though I could miss someone who I saw so rarely, and miss them so much. The simple fact that I can never hear her laugh, or chastise me again causes my heart to hurt. I would like nothing more than for her to come in here and yell at me for something. At times I think it’s silly, to wish for abuse, but sometimes it’s all I can think about. I miss you very much Aunt Colleen, I wish that you’re life had been happier, maybe then you’d still be with us. I hope that you are happy, and give Grandpa Sidney a kiss for me. One thing you have taught me is how important it is to tell the people around you that you love them. I didn’t tell you enough, and I’m sorry.

Good Bye Auntie Blue

Colleen Isabella Stager-Lutz
STAGER-LUTZ, Colleen Isabella – Surrounded by her family, Colleen passed on to peace and happiness to join her father the late Sydney Berry on Monday October 26, 2009 after a battle with cancer. She is survived by her husband John D. Lutz, mother Isabella (McCorriston) Berry. Sister of Kathleen (Berry) Lutz and brother of Robert (Sandy) Berry. Daughter Cindy (Gary) Winemaster, sons David (Tammy) Stager. Darren (Tasha) Stager, Trevor (Cindy) Lutz and guided the way for Christopher (Diane) Lutz and Charles Lutz and daughter-in-law Julie (Geier) Lutz. Grandma will be missed by 10 grandchildren and one great grandchild. Colleen was a talented crafter, seamstress and cook, and a great hockey mother. Her memory will live on in her descendants for eternity. Arrangements entrusted to the DAVIDSON-WALKER FUNERAL HOME 905-734-4673. Let me leave no grave to weep over. The thought of that dark imprisonment of earth Brings sorrow to my heart and a chill to my very soul. Let me blow free in ashes, unfettered by the bonds of earth, Warmed in the sun, soothed by the gentle rains. Let me dance to the music of the wind.

Day Six

Thinks are leveling off. I don’t feel so sick any more, which is good, but I don’t feel any real change either, which is less good. Two weeks they say. We shall see. Had some friends over last night. Made fish and chips. SUCCESS! I can’t wait for hallowe’en and zombie night!

Three WHAT!

They tell me that this is normal, and that it may take up to three weeks to settle down. They tell me that it may not settle down. Why do I have to wait through three weeks of this torture when it only seems to be getting worse? *sigh*

How is it better if it makes you sick

I wanted to update this on Monday, but password problems prevented me. So. Here we are.

Monday, a.m.: Today I go to the doctor. I’ve tried to make this appointment many times in the past, and I finally decided that it was time to go through with it. I’ve been having trouble just getting out of bed in the morning, and this is starting to go to far.

Monday, p.m.: I feel good about the meeting with my doctor. She is getting me a referral to a psychiatrist, who can assess whether or not I need medicating, or if I’m just in need of counselling. For now she has given me a mild anti-depressant to take. First one tonight. I’m worried about side effects, but I’m a worrier, so I’m going to try and relax about them.

Tuesday: I’m not sure if it’s the medication(which is more than likely) or if I caught a bug at L’s party on Saturday, but I am feeling pretty nauseous. I slept badly last night. I was up early today, and had to go to the potty many times. I’m not sure I like this. I’ve felt like I have a fever on and off. My doctor told me to ignore the mild side effects, at least until our meeting in three weeks, as often, they will abate when your body adjusts. Also, I’ve noticed that I feel better when I eat, which is very bad for me, cause I could eat all day. I certainly don’t want the help I’m getting to cause me to be a whale, that wouldn’t help me at all!

Wednesday(day three FINALLY): This morning I was up early again, about 5. Feeling nauseous and runny bum. This is no good, I hope it goes away. It doesn’t seem to feel as bad as yesterday, and at least I slept through the night. They tell me that it will take 2 to 3 weeks to start doing anything. I wonder what it will feel like when it does start working. I’m looking forward to that.

Tv and Me

I was looking at my new desktop image, a convenient, personal TV guide if you will, and I thought to myself, “self, you watch a LOT of TV.” I suppose, to many people, yes, yes I do, but my brother and I did the math, and allwoing for time for eating, sleeping, and working(which, atm, I don’t have to do) I’m still left with 6 hours of socialization time a week. Now, I have this problem, it’s call footinmouthconstantitis, and therefore I tend to prefer my social interactions to be in a manner in which I can censor myself, that manner being IM’ing. I can type what I want to say, read it over, and judge whether or not it is the right thing TO say. I do not have this capability in real time Now, I watch TV on my pc. And I chat on my pc. So, there is a strong possibility that my socialization will actually be MORE than six hours, given that while I’m watching said programming, I’m also interacting with people, not only from my area, but from all over the world. How many people can say they do THAT from the couch! In the end, I’ve decided that I’m not really all that bad for TV watching, because I get to watch at will. I watch when I want, and so I am able to make more of a balance between entertainment and socialization. Maybe the TV conglomerates should look to my example. By allowing people to watch when they want, rather than at a selected time slot, they will encourage more people to save their shows for a rainy day, or a tired evening, and they will actually end up spending more quality time with family and friends, while still maintaining a certain level of viewership! (Even a TV addict like me!)