Just me.

I’m weird. I like silly walking, and having random celebratory dance parties[two minute dance parties]. I wear silly hats, and listen to strange music, and don’t care if my colours match and love having half of my head shaved. I laugh at silly things, like when someone at work says duty. I jump in to things headlong, and am usually left rubbing away a headache, but every time, there I go again. I try to be nice, and even though I’m told that I’m too nice, I feel like I’m never nice enough. I want to fix every thing for everyone, and I regularly carry a heavy weight on my shoulders. I stress about the things I can’t change, even though I know that I can’t change them. I want to make everyone happy. I work hard, and I regret that I don’t play enough. I’m fragile, though I pretend that I’m not. I’m easy to guilt, and foolish about it. I have self control, I just don’t always use it. I don’t know how to make a decision that will change my life.

Someday Sunshine

You’ll realize that you can’t please everyone, and you’ll get busy pleasing yourself.

Weezer <3

When Hurley was released I remember a lot of people were not impressed, especially with the song “Where’s My Sex.” A lot of the issue with the album was that Rivers was getting soft, being a parent. The song “Where’s My Sex” was the evidence they had, as the song is about socks, and was derived from Rivers’ child’s incapability to say the word socks. I ask these “fans” what about the “Sweater Song?” Weezer has always had a fanciful side, a funny side, and I think that “Where’s My Sex” is just further evidence of the whimsy of Weezer. I, for one, love that song. It makes me feel like these “fans” of Weezer aren’t really fans.

Side note: Last day before Christmas break!!!!

Skating Admonisher.

I went skating a while ago[years, really]. I had time off and they only hold adult skating during the day, so it was rare to have the opportunity. I was having a great time, and my legs were just starting to get tired, but I thought I could do one more lap. I was half way around when I caught the picks on my right foot and went down quite hard. There were about 20 people skating, maybe 3 near me, and while no one stopped [not that I wished them to] one man angrily stated to me that my head had nearly hit the boards. I got up, skated around to the exit where my shoes were and left. I haven’t been skating since. I wonder why the man was angry, and why he would chastise me rather than ignore me, or stop to help. It was genuinely confusing. People generally are.

Volcano

The inside of me is boiling. I feel like everything is trying to get out. It’s like there are bugs inside of me, and their numbers are growing, and pushing at my skin, and at my ribs and at my skull. I feel like something inside of me is going to blow, and that I’m not going to like the after effects. I feel like everything that I do is a mistake, and I am wondering where and when that started. I think that’s the source of this feeling, my nagging insistence that I have always made the wrong choice. I shouldn’t have said what I did, or did what I did, or chose the way I did. I can’t think of a time when I didn’t feel this way, but I also can’t remember anything very well. I find the strength of this feeling to be overwhleming. It’s a great rolling wave sucking me under and taking my breath away. The only time I don’t feel it anymore is when I am at work, and when I am driving my car. I’ve spent hours exploring the countryside, and still this feeling won’t go away.

Heart-pokingly Pathetic

Facebook makes me feel bad sometimes. It isn’t really a good place to hang out when you have anxiety and depression. I get invites to things, and then I don’t go because I’m a nervous wreck, and then I feel like a loser the next morning after the barrage of “last night was so great” status messages. I WANT to be that happy person, posting that my life is amazingly awesome; which, really, it is if you think about it. It doesn’t matter though, that I have a job that I love[finally], that I have a nice home to live in, nice things, and most importantly, a husband that loves the pants off me, crazy and all. Why then, you ask, does FB depress me so, if my life is so good? Well my friends, that is where illness comes in to play. I spent some time on antidepressants last year, to a good result, but, alas, I choose not to poison the children I wish to have, so I have had to go off them, in order to clear my system of them before we decide to make little M&J’s. I’ve been trying different methods of emotional control, and the one that has worked the best in the past has been Dick Sutphen’s Self Mastery audio book, which is a Zen program; essentially a way to control your mind. In the end, depression is simply my mind having control of ME. This program has been teaching me how to control the negative thought processes that lead to more anxiety. I have been learning to remove myself from situations emotionally, in that I don’t BLAME myself for things that aren’t my fault anymore. I really suggest that everyone listen to these Cd’s at least once, as I’ learned a lot of small things on my first listen through them. Sadly, though, this takes work, keeping a clear mind; and I am lazy. So, sometimes, I fail and I miss out on opportunities for fun because of it. Then I log in to FB, and it makes me feel worse. Damn you FB. Really, I would like to get rid of it sometimes. Only sometimes.

Anxious

Ever get anxiety from eating fast food? I do. Will this be a sufficient deterrent? I hope so!

Indoctrination

I believe that the indoctrination of children is wrong. On a blanket scale. I believe that religious indoctrination is wrong. I know my share of non-atheists and they vary between having been indoctrinated as children, and having open parents who, while teaching them about their chosen belief, allowed their child the option of believing or not. Allowing them to opt out if they didn’t truly believe. Parents who realized the right that a person has to question what they are being taught, and who understand that a person who chooses to believe is always a stronger supporter, a truer supporter, than any person who was beaten in to believing.

I believe that political indoctrination is wrong. What choices you have made regarding your political leanings SHOULD be made from your experience, your knowledge, and what you know inside is right and wrong. When your choices are driven by the ideals of your parents, you end up dragging us backward. We NEED to be able to make these choices on our own, rather than have our parents teach us which side we are on, so that we can, as a society, move forward.

I even believe that indoctrinating your children with regards to music, books, TV, and sports teams is wrong. Children should be allowed to pursue their own choice of activities, in order to become well rounded and learn to make personal choices. A child who is TOLD what they like, will never, ever know what it truly is to like something, simply because they never have the chance to develop that sense connection. A child who is TOLD what they like will grow up to be an unhappy adult.

A child who is indoctrinated, I believe, is an opportunity lost. Who knows what the child who is indoctrinated may have become, had they been taught to examine, question, and contextualize the world around them. Who knows where we would be if more parents did more teaching, and less indoctrinating. Light years ahead, I’ll wager. This is the 21st century. Are we finally ready to move past the errors of our ancestors?

Information What Now?

This whole “information terrorism” business is interesting to me. Originally, the sort of thing that Wiki leaks is doing was called sedition, and the consequence was death. The “Crown” called it that, and the people who were labeled as such would eventually be looked back on as freedom fighters. Those who were seditious would print leaflets and papers denouncing, for example, the King and his “unlawful rule” of Scotland. There was a war over it, and it culminated in the battle of Culloden, where many a Scot were massacred. More recently, those who opposed British rule in the “New World” and were in favour of revolution were labeled seditious, again by the Crown. The people who secretly printed and delivered pamphlets and letters for the “Sons of Liberty” were often very much in danger due to the severity of the crime of sedition. Then, when the tides began to turn, those who opposed the revolution that brought a short lived democratic(if it ever really was) freedom to the United States of America, namely Quakers, who refused to fight, were also called seditious; this time by those who had so recently been in danger of capture while endeavouring to be “seditious” themselves. It appears to me that although it has been around for more than 3 centuries, sedition is something of a buzzword. It seems to be something people use to denigrate those who oppose them, no matter whether they are on the side of the people, or that of the ruling body. I’m wondering just how far this government will be able to go before it’s people decide they’ve had enough cake(or would that be McDonald’s). I do have some concerns that things will have to get very VERY ugly before they get better, since it appears that a large number of the US citizens seem to be comfortable having the wool pulled over their eyes. It seems to me like there are just enough people watching Fox News to keep the rest of us from being able to enact change. It saddens me to think it, but i’m pretty sure that there are enough people who have learned that things are easier if you don’t have to think about them, to keep us under the thumbs of the government[read: big business] for a very long time. I fear for the future. I don’t want to, but every day it’s getting harder and harder to believe that we will stand up and fight. With “every change your profile photo” campaign, my hope for our future diminishes. Don’t change your photo. Change your attitude. Don’t “raise awareness”, take action. We are the only thing standing in the way of the government, so stop being a freeway, and start being the wall of concerned faces that JFK looked at. Start being the change that Martin Luther King Jr asked you to be. Start being the freedom loving, revolutionary people that we all came from.

Here’s the thing…

When I got satellite (about 7 years ago now) I ended up getting a really great deal simply by virtue of the format in which I dealt with the salesperson. I used the online chat system to order my new TV, and was discussing the changes with my husband over IM at the same time. As he was at work, this created a bit of a lag, and the salesperson mistook that for hesitance, and kept piling on the deals! I ended up with a 5 choice package for $45 a month, and free installation of the dish and both the receivers(which was not standard at the time). I was quite pleased with myself. When we moved out of the shoe box we had to get rid of the satellite, because of a tree. -curses the tree- I was absurdly attached to having TV, and I felt much indignation for said tree. Now, as it happens, I hadn’t really been watching TV for a long time before we even moved out of the shoe box. I don’t think the TV had been turned on except for Playstation use in at least a year. So I’m not sure why I didn’t want to let go.( Oh yeah… FOOD NETWORK!!!!) Eventually I grew used to not having TV, but only recently have I begun to realize the other benefit to not having TV.  It appears to me that there are a few “news” networks that have simply fallen away from reporting news, and taken up with the tabloids.  What frightens me about this is the fact that there are so many people who actually get their news FROM THESE PLACES!  A headline that was clearly meant to stir up emotions was mentioned to me recently, and when I asked for the source the response was “I get my news the same place you get your news, Fox News, MSNBC, CNN” (I can still here the southern American accent that went along with this comment in my head).  No my friend, that is NOT where I get my news, in fact that is where I go to laugh at the headlines of what I consider on par with ONN The climate of the world is getting a little scary for me, and I think that I am glad that I can’t watch it unfold on my boob tube any longer. That would probably put me over the edge.