Heart-pokingly Pathetic

Facebook makes me feel bad sometimes. It isn’t really a good place to hang out when you have anxiety and depression. I get invites to things, and then I don’t go because I’m a nervous wreck, and then I feel like a loser the next morning after the barrage of “last night was so great” status messages. I WANT to be that happy person, posting that my life is amazingly awesome; which, really, it is if you think about it. It doesn’t matter though, that I have a job that I love[finally], that I have a nice home to live in, nice things, and most importantly, a husband that loves the pants off me, crazy and all. Why then, you ask, does FB depress me so, if my life is so good? Well my friends, that is where illness comes in to play. I spent some time on antidepressants last year, to a good result, but, alas, I choose not to poison the children I wish to have, so I have had to go off them, in order to clear my system of them before we decide to make little M&J’s. I’ve been trying different methods of emotional control, and the one that has worked the best in the past has been Dick Sutphen’s Self Mastery audio book, which is a Zen program; essentially a way to control your mind. In the end, depression is simply my mind having control of ME. This program has been teaching me how to control the negative thought processes that lead to more anxiety. I have been learning to remove myself from situations emotionally, in that I don’t BLAME myself for things that aren’t my fault anymore. I really suggest that everyone listen to these Cd’s at least once, as I’ learned a lot of small things on my first listen through them. Sadly, though, this takes work, keeping a clear mind; and I am lazy. So, sometimes, I fail and I miss out on opportunities for fun because of it. Then I log in to FB, and it makes me feel worse. Damn you FB. Really, I would like to get rid of it sometimes. Only sometimes.

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